October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, which is what prompted this post. This was a tough one for me to write, but it has been a long time coming. This is a sensitive topic, and as was my post back in April, might be a trigger for those who have suffered a loss themselves. Feel free to email me at littledovecreations@gmail.com with any questions or concerns.
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It is amazing to me how now, six years later, I still think about it when December 22 comes around. It’s one of the first things I think about in the morning. Our family could be celebrating a birthday today. Which is silly, really. Only about 5 percent of women actually deliver on their due date, so why wouldn’t I have that thought on December 15th? Or the 26th? But of course, the 22nd is the day I’d circled on my calendar, so it makes sense it’s the day that stands out…
[Taken from my journal at the time]:
[Taken from my journal at the time]:
Thursday, April 9, 2009
…I took a test this morning and I couldn’t believe it when I looked at the read out and it said “pregnant”. I had to look a second time. I don’t know if it’s really hit me yet.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The past couple days I’ve been worried. I know this is a weird complaint to have, but I’m worried that I’m not feeling more sick. I always thought I’d be so sick when I was pregnant, but so far it hasn’t been bad. I’m kind of worried I might have miscarried… plenty of women aren’t really sick during their first trimester. I see a doctor on Tuesday for my first appointment and I’m sure I’ll feel much better after that…
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Well, today was my first prenatal appointment. The doctor and I thought I’d be around 9 weeks. I measured at 5 weeks. She did an ultrasound and I kept waiting to see the little fetus (Side note here: to this day I can still remember my breath catching in my throat and the heavy, nervous thud of my heart during these moments.)… and nothing. Finally she found the sac, which puts me at around the 5 weeks mark. One of two things could be happening; 1- my cycle was off because I’d just gotten off birth control; or 2- this is “not a viable pregnancy”. So I go back in three weeks for another ultrasound. Of course I’m hoping and praying that it’s the first… these next three weeks when I’m basically waiting for my body to miscarry or not are going to be awful…
And then, on May 12, 2009, this is all I wrote:
Went to the doctor today. Measured at 8 weeks, 5 days; but no heartbeat.
The second you see a positive result on a pregnancy test you start making plans. You start calculating out how far along you’ll be for all the events you have coming up. You start thinking about how you’ll tell family and friends. In just a few minutes your life has changed forever.
Well, as the saying goes, expectation is the root of all heartache.
Well, as the saying goes, expectation is the root of all heartache.
There is a lot more that I could get into with this post. About how it felt to be at that first ultrasound alone when I initially found out something might be wrong.
I could talk about the strong grip of my husband’s hand in mine when we went back for my follow-up ultrasound, and how he could see before the doctor had even said anything that our baby was no longer living. I could talk about how I had never seen my husband break down the way he did, before or since.
I could talk about feeling pressured to do a D and C, even though it didn’t feel right. About getting a second opinion and finding a new doctor that was a much better fit for me that said I could wait and let my body miscarry naturally if I wanted. About how I then had to wait more than two more weeks to start miscarrying. Two weeks of heartbreak and wondering why my body was holding onto this so tightly.
I could talk about the gut-wrenching fear I had, “what if I can never carry a baby full term?”
I could talk about how it’s because of this experience that Proverbs 3:5 will forever be one of my favorite scriptures
Instead, I’ll just share my journal entry from October 30, 2009, with you:
The first thing Dr. M said to me was, “look, it’s waving at us.” I had been so nervous, and when I saw our little squirt wiggling around and moving its arms and legs… I just couldn’t believe it. I cried, I was so happy I wish Mike could have been there…
It is amazing to me that almost exactly a year to the day after finding out that our baby had passed, our son was born. I see that as a tender mercy from the Lord, to not think of that time with sadness.
I know that the miscarriage wasn’t my “fault”, that for whatever reason the body for that baby wasn’t strong enough to make it full term.
But every time December 22 comes around, I remember. I remember that I’ve been pregnant five times.
Every December 22 I remember that each of my children is a much sought-after blessing.
I didn’t talk about this for a long time. There was too much pain, and it’s not something you bring up in casual conversation; but, as I was sharing all my birth stories last month, it seemed right for me to share this now.
This will be the first time that many friends, and even family members, are learning about this. I’m sorry if that offends you. I’m sorry if your feelings are hurt because you feel like you had the right to know before masses of people that I’ve never even met. But how do you tell someone about this when it’s been months, years, since it happened? “Oh, by the way I never told you this, but…” No.
If you’re going through this, I’m not going to try and offer words of comfort, because there aren’t any. in my opinion, spouting off statistics of how common miscarriages are is just hurtful, not helpful. To me, when people do that, I feel like they’re discrediting the life that was lost. What I will do is offer prayers, and virtual hugs, and share tears. I will offer compassion and a listening ear.
As small as it may seem when compared to your loss, love is what I have to offer.
19 Responses to when december 22 rolls around
Thank you for sharing. Hugs!!
I have never had to go through this, but I can imagine the heartache. Before I was a mom I was so naive about what a miscarriage meant. In my mind I thought it would be easier than other losses because you didn't have as much time to bond. However, the first time I became pregnant I knew how wrong I was. Like you said, in that first second everything changes. The mother child connection is instantaneous! You will always remember that baby and should feel entitled to grief in whatever way you need to. I am glad you shared this as it could bring healing for so many other women that aren't sure how to process the loss.
My second pregnancy was a year after my first daughter was born, and we were thrilled to be looking forward to having a second child. My parents purchased a surprise for me – a double stroller and brought it over to celebrate. Then at about 12 weeks I miscarried. I was unusually calm throughout the experience and my heart was filled with love. Friends and family were surprised that I was not crying or an emotional wreck. I simply told them what I believed was true: That this baby thought it was ready to enter the world, but for some reason had altered its timeline. I believed 100% that I hadn't really lost a child at all – it simply pressed the "pause" button. Maybe the body would have been defective or in some way not a good fit. Or maybe the little spirit just needed a bit more time to observe our wonderful close-knit family in action. Once it was reassured it would finally have the boost of confidence needed to really commit. The next time it would be back again in it's own time, on it's own terms. All it required was patience. A year later our second daughter Brooke was born. But everyone has different beliefs and experiences – and I absolutely honor yours! I send love, hugs, and feelings of comfort to you across the miles.
Thank you for sharing your experience with this type of loss, Justine. I have a friend who just miscarried twins at 8 weeks… she is very strong but I know she is hurting. I will share your story with her. You are so brave to share your journal writings, it will help. She already has a child at home, and I can't imagine what that was like for you as a first time mom. Hugs!
I don't know if I just lived in a bubble during my first pregnancy, but I feel like I was completely oblivious to how many pregnancies end up in a loss. I'm in awe of women like you who come out on the other side—you are so strong. I'm happy more women are talking about it now.
We miscarried twins at 11 weeks. It was a similar story to yours. Went in and measured not as far along as expected. My doctor thought that might be due to the fact that there were two fetal poles (one sac though). Two weeks later at the second ultrasound there were no heart beats. So I had to have a D&C. A year later we miscarried again. Then five weeks later I took a pregnancy test the day before mothers day and we were pregnant. My doctor found that my body didnt produce enough progesterone, so I was immediately put on it. Our due date was January 18th, 2013, exactly to the day 2 years after the D&C with the twins. It was amazing and heart breaking as if someone knew my heart needed mended that day! My beautiful b bear (Benson) was born January 15, 2013. Miscarriage is the most difficult emotions I have ever felt.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I had a very very early miscarriage right before we had Lily. I wouldn't have even known if I hadn't tested early. The doctor assured me early miscarriages were very common, and I remember feeling very sad. He didn't say I'm sorry or anything. Just threw a statistic in my face. I'm sorry you had to go through that. XOXO
Thank you for sharing! I think we need to be more open about loses such as miscarriages Hugs!
Thanks for your comment Natalie. I know there are some women that don't feel that bond right away, but like you, I definitely always have. It's a wonderful, but potentially heartbreaking, thing.
It's interesting how some doctors have such great bedside manner, and some are so cold and clinical. my first doctor was much like that, but my second one, and all that I've had since then have been much better suited for me. 🙂
That just made me tear up Kayla. How heartbreaking for you guys. What a blessing to have something so joyful happen at that same time two years later.
Thanks for your kind words Alicia.
I think a lot of people just don't really think about it because it doesn't/hasn't affected them. My husband and I both feel very the same way about announcing our pregnancies and being cautious about doing so too early… but I might not have those feelings if my own mother didn't experience three miscarriages of her own.
That is so sad Ashleigh! I am thinking of her, and all the mommas (and fathers!!) out there who are going through this. It's a powerful hurt, that's for sure. I'm certain she's holding her little one a little closer and longer right now. 🙂
I love that you shared this. My husband and I were actually just talking about this, one of the first versions of this post even started going into this and my feelings on it, but I just felt like it was getting too bogged down.
I definitely feel like I will get to be that child't mother, whether its spirit came down in another body, or I'll get to be its mother on the other side of the veil I'm not sure.
Thank you for your sweet and heartfelt comment.
Thank you Ashley.
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